New Year Blues…

What does it mean or even what does it say about an author when they are thinking of leaving the game? Don’t get the wrong idea, I still love, breathe, desire, crave writing and reading but I am completely lost in the marketing side.

It’s not easy, yes I get that, but for the past 2 years I have relentlessly promoted, marketed, paid exorbitant amounts of money to get my books out there and I have yet to see even a 5 cent profit. Do any self-pubbed authors make money? It’s putting a strain on me financially, and emotionally.

For those few who review my work and love what I write, I am boosted up and can’t wait to release the next one until it comes time for the arc review and I cower in the corner, turn off social media until I am ready to face the facts. Being an author is full of doubt, fear, emotional turmoil and just a little bullying – yet another factor of why I could do without it.

Why stay?

Well, I have thought about it at length, and have come to the conclusion of this:

a) I have met so many amazing people in the same boat as me and yet they don’t appear to be breaking down and failing at life every week. They build me up and set me on my way only for me to fall again a few months later. I cherish those friendships, and would never want to leave it behind.

b) the feeling of holding a book with my name on it feels f*&king amazing. I did that, it may have taken me four months of anguish, but I DID THAT.

c) even though it is emotional and wrecks me financially, I feel like I belong in the community. I feel love, and friendship every time I open my app. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere before.

d) people love my writing. They may be few, but they are loyal and I could never ask for better readers. They also build me up when I am low, although they may not see the side my fellow authors see, they make me feel alive and without even knowing they do. I heart all of my readers, even those who don’t like my words and write me reviews which take my breath away – you still read my book, you still gave me a chance and for that I thank you. All I could ever ask is to be given a chance.

In conclusion, yes, I feel isolated at times, and cranky at the world. I face pain and anguish at the corner of every scene and chapter but I couldn’t give this up. Once I’m in, I’m in for life. The only thing I can do to help myself out is to listen to the words everyone tell me, not to think so literally about everything, not to give in to negative people and to just be me.

After watching someone I greatly admire, Meryl Streep, take a stand at the Golden Globes and mention a quote from another person I greatly admired, Carrie Fisher – I’ll take my broken heart and make it into art.


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